Saint and Sinner

I love the line from one of Derek Webb's songs: "A saint and sinner is what I am."   That line speaks such truth for me...but it wasn't always so.

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, and, even today, the town has no Lutheran church.  I attended the Baptist church, but we also had a Presbyterian, Methodist, Episcopal, and Roman Catholic church along with various smaller churches.  From my group of friends, I didn't know who went to church and who didn't, but I equated going to church with staying out of trouble and following the rules.  It was all about performance - if you do right, you're good.

While at the Naval Academy, I had friends and classmates from various denominations, still no Lutherans.  And my focus became, "Whose teaching is correct?"  And despite the busyness of service academy life, I managed to read and read and read my Bible, looking for answers.  It was all about knowledge - if you knew and understood correctly, you're good.

When I got married, had children, started dealing with a house, finances, meals...I needed help, and found that Christian bookstores had resources on every issue, and Christian radio had experts on every topic.  If I followed one book, I'd have the perfect marriage.  And this popular radio host taught me about having behaved children, or fixing healthy meals, or wisely managing finances.  It was all about having the perfect Christian life - and if all looked perfect, you're good.

And, there's nothing wrong with trying to obey the rules; there's nothing wrong with pursuing knowledge or with seeking advice on Christian living.  

The problem is...while we know and profess Christ and Him crucified, we expect all that we do and all that we have to make us happy, and to be evidence that we are Christians.  In the midst of all the attempts at  Christian living, we can forget that our heart is dark.  We start to feel good about ourselves and become the Pharisee who said:

God, I thank you that I am not like other men...I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.  Luke 18:11-12

And this is where Lutheran teaching is spot on.  Despite all the outward appearances of living a happy Christian life or of praying for that perfect life...I know that I'm both a saint and a sinner, all the time.  I live with the tension of this, with the mixed motives, with a dark heart, that I know is dark because the Spirit also is there and testifies to me, even as I do good works, and even as I enjoy life.

It's maddening to want things to be a certain way, to try to live "that" life, to be "that person" but to have such little control over my own self.  

And, it's in the midst of this frustration that Jesus shines.  It's when I best know my own sin and failures that I best see that man, my savior, hanging on that cross.  And that is my peace; that is my hope.