OCD and God's Word and Promises

This follow-up to “OCD and the Lutheran Confessions” is my story, my faith journey of dealing with a son who has a mental illness.

As a homeschool mom, I thought I had it all together.  I did my research; I knew I was doing a good job.  My oldest son, Jake, was a high school senior, National Merit Finalist, he wrote for the local newspaper, took college classes at Penn State.  He was doing well.
 
I remember the day in late December 2006...I knew something was wrong.  Jake was sitting on the couch and didn’t want to talk. Then he started asking questions about his salvation, how did he know for sure that he was a Christian, what if he was fooling himself, what if he was just afraid of hell...and on and on. 

Fairly quickly, I realized this was an anxiety disorder, and got Jake into counseling.  He had 6 initial appointments over 12 weeks.  Naively, I thought all would be fine after that.

During those first months, I often spent a couple of hours a day listening to Jake, and trying to answer him.  He’d be okay for a few days, then his doubts and questions would start again. 
 
I came to dread Sunday morning worship.  Jake would listen to the sermon, and somehow he’d reason that the message meant he wasn’t a Christian and was going to hell.  He'd often signal me that he wanted to leave and talk.  At home, I searched the Bible, looking for answers.  But Jake could always twist my answers into doubt. 

Finally, a psychologist diagnosed  OCD and recommended medication.  The doctor also advised that we not engage Jake in religious discussions, as that would feed his anxiety. 

I had started reading the Bible consistently when I was ten.  But now, reading my Bible or listening to a sermon went one of two ways - I either thought how the passage might help Jake, or I thought how Jake would twist the message. 

That fall, Jake went off to college, and, instead of excitement, I was anxious - worrying every day if he was okay,  wondering how to help him. 

Eventually, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I shut down spiritually.  I stopped reading the Bible, reading any Christian books; during worship and sermons, I’d write chore lists, lesson plans, menus...anything so I wasn’t engaged.  The one thing, my faith, that had always been there, the thing that always had answers, was now the root cause of this stress.

After attending a Presbyterian church for 2 1/2 more years, the faith strain wore me down.  The drive to church was long, and we spent all Sunday morning at church.  For that reason and theological issues, we decided to attend an LCMS church closer to home. 
 
When Jake started graduate school in 2011, I relaxed a little.  One day, I met a homeschool mom who wanted to talk about End Times theology.  I remember thinking that was the last thing I wanted to discuss...but looking back, it was a safe subject that led me to briefly open my Bible again. 

At about the same time, we got an interim pastor at church, and I started listening to his sermons.  I now recognize that there’s healing in the Lutheran service, and God was healing; even when I wasn’t listening, He was at work.
 
That November, Jake called and was fairly distraught.  He didn’t understand why God made him that way.  It was the first time in almost 5 years that we’d really talked about his OCD.

After that phone call, I knew that I had to have answers for Jake and for me, that as his mother, I needed to be praying for him and needed to know what to pray.  And I knew those answers were in the Bible.  I intentionally set aside a day, December 17, 2011, when I would open my Bible and start searching.  I put a notebook, a pen, and my Bible on a table, ready to go.
 
I thought it was going to be a long process, but it didn’t take long. In His Word, I found God’s promises: God’s promises in His baptism, in being true to His Word.  Within a week or so, I gave up control of Jake to God.  And, I had peace and confidence that God would care for Jake, that God would work all things out for good, as He says He will.

But He also did the same for me.  I thought I had control, had it all together, and was succeeding in my faith and in my life.  In an instant, that faith in myself, in my ability, was shattered.  And, those five years were painful and hard.  I don’t know how I functioned.  But, because of it, I gained...I gained faith, love, trust, knowledge of my God.  I can't even compare my faith before OCD to faith after.  My only regret is that Jake suffers because of his condition.  Other than that, I wouldn’t change any of it.